Haven't posted here in a while (I think I say that every time I post here. Not sure, I don't remember anymore). But I had to get some stuff out and nobody really reads this blog anyway so I guess it's okay.
Uni is starting next month and I just came back from my first orientation camp. Being there felt surreal. And coming home felt like waking up from a nightmare. It was so socially stressful that I got my period a second time this month.
By the end of JC, I had come a long way from who I was before. I thought I was secure in my self-image; I thought I had sorted out all my confidence issues (thanks to some very supportive friends); I thought I knew who I was and I liked it. All of that was torn down in 4 days. It was like starting from scratch, I had nothing, it felt like I was nothing. I thought that I was my own person and that that belonged to me. But it doesn't. I realised that I was reliant on the people who meant so much to me in NJ, and that there is a part of me that they each helped to create, and that without them, I can't access it. It doesn't unlock. It just doesn't work. I am only as good as people expect me to be. And when a group of strangers expects nothing, I stay nothing.
I can't relate to my OG culture and I don't really have anything to say to them. As far as they know, after 4 days I'm just an antisocial noob who has a pikachu shirt, a monotonous voice, and a smartphone addiction (every year I find a different crutch. Last year it was crochet, this year it's Twodots on Android). Just the same as JH1. Being myself bores people. I'm really glad I'll have Maggie and Flea in my OG for the next camp, but what really scares me is the notion that when you take away external forces, that's all I am. An insecure Ball O' Negativity and social anxiety.
I am very grateful to my friends (including boyfriend) for expecting the best of me.
That's all.
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