Why do I destroy everything I touch

I've been making a lot of reckless decisions lately but they're actually the same sort of decisions I've always made, except this time with more cognizance, which actually makes it worse because it increases my culpability when people get hurt.

Idk man

I'm supposed to be discovering who I am when I'm alone

And I'm being faced with a lot of unpleasant revelations that I guess I've always known, but tried not to think about?

As a child I was always destructive when made to sit still.


Is there anything in my power that I have not abused? Privilege? Money? Trust? Sex? I can't even be trusted with a sense of self-esteem. Better that I should be kept paranoid and anxious and weak, lest I go about wrecking everything without remorse.