What

All of my anger feels so unreal to me now.
How can it be that I was angry?
How can I have the capacity to have cared that much?

You are simultaneously the realest and most unreal thing to ever flicker into my existence.

I'm starting to realize

that I have strong dissociative tendencies and it is Really Not Good.

When I look back on my life
And the recent destruction
I realise that everything is just a repeating cycle:
- Me feeling generally inhuman
- Meeting someone who wants to talk to me
- Me projecting a specific personality in order to communicate with that person
- Me projecting that personality because then at least I can feel something and I have someone to care about
- Me projecting that personality because it gives me a sense of stability in knowing who I am
- We have an enjoyable friendship or relationship
- We are actually really close
- The projection eventually crumbles because its too hard to sustain
- I go back to being a non-person
- I literally give zero fucks about that person anymore because I am literally unable to care
- I cut them out of my life
- They keep wanting to reconnect but I can no longer give any fucks



You tell me not to project
You tell me not to do that with you
I tell you that I will try

I will try.

Mourning

My grandpa had a stroke
My cousins wept
Intelligent and beautiful and functional.
We know he will not survive this
My brother and I exchanged glances -
Are we monsters for not crying?
I say to my groupmates,
I'm sorry I have to go.
They look more horrified than I ever can.
My brother reports the same.
I hope my grandpa passes on -
It's what he would have wanted.
I know this.
I only want peace for him.
Are we monsters for not crying?
I am afraid
I am afraid of finding out
That when we stand in the middle of his funeral
We will be the only ones dry-eyed

How will I mourn my lovers
My cat
My dreams
My parents??

This is not a poem this is just thinking out loud

That night by the pool
No - those two entire weeks -
When I felt nothing
You did not deserve it of me
You did not deserve my silence
And I am sorry.