My eloquence is dwindling. I can feel my ability to express myself deteriorate with every passing year. Increasingly I find my self faced with the frustration of not knowing how to phrase things without losing their nuance. Maybe it's because I've given up writing. Maybe it's because I don't read anymore. Maybe it's because I'm just lazy.
My recent trip to London made me question a lot of things. Questions that had always been there, but I was never forced to address.
Stereotypical questions like the definition of art, and where one draws the line between art and mere design, and if art always has to have a meaning.
Looking at some of the works in London, I tried to keep an open mind. But sometimes you cannot help but think, "Wtf are even doing. Do you even know? I sure as hell don't."
I guess every piece of work deserves the benefit of the doubt, but then how do you decide what has meaning and what doesn't?
And if it doesn't have meaning, does that in itself say something? What if the irony wasn't intended? And then again, what if it was?
And maybe sometimes art isn't about the end-point, it's about the process. Then does the end product say anything in itself?
Art doesn't always have to be visually appealing, but then if it doesn't, does it lose value?
I also now grapple with my sense of self-identification as an aspiring artist. Up until recently I've always been primarily aesthetically driven. I always thought I was going to do something mindless and commissioned, like illustration.
The way London made me engage with art opened up the new possibility of going into fine arts. I find this to be rather frightening, this idea of entering a void that is seemingly directionless, unguided, and infinite. Do I even have anything to say with my art? Will I ever have anything worthwhile to say? If my work is ironic, would people even understand that?
I don't even know what university courses I want to consider, I have no niche. People ask me what I'm good at, and I don't know how to answer them. I kind of do a bit of everything and suck at most of it, really.
People tell me I'm good at what I do but the truth is that I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. You'd think that I have a solid sense of where I stand, given my reputation. But the truth is that I'm insecure as an artist and it is entirely warranted. Complacency is dangerous.
Also another thing that people tell me is that I'm talented. Maybe in the past I took it as a compliment but now it's bittersweet. I have no talent, just a lot of interest. I look back at all my work prior to JH3/4, and I fucking sucked. Maybe I still do.
I got where I am (not very far) through stubborn persistence, sacrifice of grades, investment of time, and a lot of effort (not all of which was fruitful).
When people say that it's talent, that I've been blessed, I feel like all of that is discounted and attributed to lucky genetics. Well fuck you. It's not easy. It never has been. Things don't come to me as naturally as you think they do, okay?
I am terrified of the A-levels. Hell, I'm terrified of the promos. My cohort doesn't get to retain, the school would rather kick us out to be someone else's problem than keep us as a black mark on the record. Like a failed experiment. I hate being the guinea pig.
They say not to put all your eggs in one basket, they tell you that you have to put effort into all your subjects. Well what if ALL your baskets end up inadequate because you split your eggs? What the fuck do I do then?
Hell, what scares me is that even if I do put all my effort into art, I might still never be anything more than mediocre. I mean mediocre among the art students. I don't need people to console me with the fact that I'm above mediocre compared to rest of the population, that's a given. But where I am now is not good enough. I don't know if I have the capacity to be good enough.
Sorry right now I just suck at everything, I can't even do GP. Mrs Tan wanted to see my name in the top 10 for LA, and every year I let her down.
I've never scored among the top art students either.
Okay I should stop typing now. I have like a lot of History to catch up on.
Life right now is charlie foxtrot.
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