More Awful Questions

Do I have the right to want fulfilment in my life?
I'm only bloody seventeen. Shouldn't I just be putting everything aside for the sake of schoolwork? Isn't that what's supposed to matter?
Shouldn't I be concentrating on making this sacrifice for the long run?

Am I being self indulgent in wanting more than this? Especially since I don't actually have the time for anything more than schoolwork?
Is it wrong if I take the time to do things I can't afford to?

Am I being unreasonably whiny if I am dissatisfied with the current state of affairs?
Is the only acceptable course of action to just suck it up and deal with it?

I can't remember the last time I did anything worthwhile. Ms Yeo is going to be judging my Deviantart gallery like "Lol what is she doing, there's nothing here" -.-


Sometimes I think NJ was the worst choice I ever could have made. It has done nothing but waste my time and make a depressive cynic of me.
My only consolation is the small number amazing people I have met here. Although there are also a lot of other people I wouldn't have wasted my time on if I could do things over. So is it really a consolation? I don't know. I feel like I should be putting my time and effort into things that are more than a paper grade.
Again, back to the question: who the hell am I to be wanting so much? I should know my place and just do what I'm supposed to, right? Sit down and fucking study for once.

Argh A-Levels

It's probably my fault that I can't just shut up, sit down, and do what every other student is doing. I feel so fucking dumb.

Also I keep having these awful periods of doubt where I question all my commitments. Whether I'm as committed as I should be, whether I should have made them, whether they're going to go anywhere. Like my tuesday sculpture class. Signing up for that may have been suicide. Is it even going to be worth it? Sculpture is not my forte in the first place. But then again isn't that why I signed up? Is it worth it, sacrificing a whole day every week and coming back home at 11pm? This, among other things.

Okay I am shutting up now.