I feel constantly apologetic for just existing. Every time I open my mouth I regret my stupidity. Every time my hearing fails me I feel frustrated for coming across and slow and dumb.
My entire life has consisted of compensating for my own self, which has resulted in a lot of internal contradictions because I've been so many people.
I don't know how to consolidate or stabilize. I really don't. And I hate it.
And I hate it that everytime I make progress with being ok with myself, by myself, it's like a slow climb up a rock face; and as soon as somebody comes along and I feel safe for a second, I just fucking let go and fall all the way back to the bottom. And all the anxiety comes rushing back.
Why couldn't I have just enjoyed the time we had together? Why did I have to make everything so messy and come out of it with a million regrets even though I had a good time? What the fuck is wrong with me?
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