Promos

I start my promos tomorrow
And like any other typical student, have decided to blog about it instead of using the time more wisely, ie for studying. Not that studying has gotten me very far.

I keep being caught in a cycle of paralysing stress and flippant nonchalance. Either way, I don't get anything done.

Truthfully, I don't actually care about exams. If I did, I'd be totally freaking out right now. I know they don't define me or my ambitions, or whatever else CCE tries to tell us.
I only have anxious breakdowns because I know exams matter to others. To universities, to my teachers, to my peers, to my parents (although my dad says "promote can alr", I know he will flip out if I do badly).

Thing is, do you have to have decent grades before you can afford not to care? Is it otherwise a mere self-consolation or pitiful justification for lack of effort?
I can't bring myself to take any of this seriously, the closer to the exam date I get.

I know I'm defeatist. And I have no willpower.
Maybe I'm making excuses for myself.
Then again, maybe the causal effect works the other way. I don't know.

On one hand I keep freaking out about not doing well enough to ensure my life goes anywhere. On the other hand, I want to do the bare minimum that will ensure me survival in the system until I can take a gap year and focus on what I DO care about. But if my grades are bad enough, they might prevent me from getting into an art college anyway. And so on and so forth

I also know that there are certain distractions in my life that are adversely affecting my study and work. But knowing myself, if I were to remove them, they'd just be replaced with other, maybe more harmful, distractions.

I have no idea how I managed my schoolwork in previous years, now that I think about it.