Lit everywhere

It is a curious phenomenon that I should relate to any lit text I happen to be studying, independent of the chosen text or time context. No matter what I study, it always seems so immediately relevant to me. It also reveals a great deal to me about my life which I have not previously considered. Leaving the study behind when I enter uni saddens me somewhat.

Pearl everywhere

One who, lacking some human quality essential to their nature, functions less as their own person but is instead more aptly a mirror that reflects another's hypocrisy, for the absence of any life that they can call uniquely theirs, and the bluntness of the reflection they project.

Hedonism

A-level year is not a good year to be indulging like this.

It's like I have no will of my own anymore.

I need

to stop running away from my problems

Insulation

Some would criticize a certain breed of gamers for not having much life experience or world exposure, but the ingame world has its own kind of enrichment to offer, I feel.

I think sometimes game-related things offer a different dimension than, say, reading a nice poem by itself. Cause it belongs to an immersive and interactive paradigm. And you have to respect that games have become something of an art form, and that when well-produced, they spawn new worlds of out of the audience. Just like the stories of old that have been retold and reinvented for countless generations. That's art.

18 and Life

That's a song by Skid Row. Not that it's a favorite, but I thought it was apt.

I'm scared of being 18. Being able to legally buy alcohol is not sufficient consolation for all the other responsibilities that come with A-levels and subsequent adulthood.

Life has been so so good since I started this relationship (ehh, why hide it?). I don't know how else I'm going to pull through this year. He's the best support I've ever had.

Nothing else to say, really. This blog is dead. I don't care about any of you or whether you're reading this. You probably don't give a crap about me either, and I don't care that you don't care.

I'm not sure why I'm here.

Promos

I start my promos tomorrow
And like any other typical student, have decided to blog about it instead of using the time more wisely, ie for studying. Not that studying has gotten me very far.

I keep being caught in a cycle of paralysing stress and flippant nonchalance. Either way, I don't get anything done.

Truthfully, I don't actually care about exams. If I did, I'd be totally freaking out right now. I know they don't define me or my ambitions, or whatever else CCE tries to tell us.
I only have anxious breakdowns because I know exams matter to others. To universities, to my teachers, to my peers, to my parents (although my dad says "promote can alr", I know he will flip out if I do badly).

Thing is, do you have to have decent grades before you can afford not to care? Is it otherwise a mere self-consolation or pitiful justification for lack of effort?
I can't bring myself to take any of this seriously, the closer to the exam date I get.

I know I'm defeatist. And I have no willpower.
Maybe I'm making excuses for myself.
Then again, maybe the causal effect works the other way. I don't know.

On one hand I keep freaking out about not doing well enough to ensure my life goes anywhere. On the other hand, I want to do the bare minimum that will ensure me survival in the system until I can take a gap year and focus on what I DO care about. But if my grades are bad enough, they might prevent me from getting into an art college anyway. And so on and so forth

I also know that there are certain distractions in my life that are adversely affecting my study and work. But knowing myself, if I were to remove them, they'd just be replaced with other, maybe more harmful, distractions.

I have no idea how I managed my schoolwork in previous years, now that I think about it.