Mourning

My grandpa had a stroke
My cousins wept
Intelligent and beautiful and functional.
We know he will not survive this
My brother and I exchanged glances -
Are we monsters for not crying?
I say to my groupmates,
I'm sorry I have to go.
They look more horrified than I ever can.
My brother reports the same.
I hope my grandpa passes on -
It's what he would have wanted.
I know this.
I only want peace for him.
Are we monsters for not crying?
I am afraid
I am afraid of finding out
That when we stand in the middle of his funeral
We will be the only ones dry-eyed

How will I mourn my lovers
My cat
My dreams
My parents??

This is not a poem this is just thinking out loud

That night by the pool
No - those two entire weeks -
When I felt nothing
You did not deserve it of me
You did not deserve my silence
And I am sorry.