Some things I've learned

Since I'm on exchange and I'm supposed to be self-actualizing, I should probably record all the progress I've made so that I don't backslide again. In times like these, I am truly grateful for my lack of readership. I think typing here is actually safer than physically writing in a journal. Naive? Certainly.

1. The crux of the wk problem is that my admiration for him is directly tied to my own sense of identity, and until I untangle that, we will never be able to have a healthy friendship despite my genuine love for him as a person. I've figured out that the issue is predicated upon the myth that he understands me more deeply than he actually does. I'm just going to have to accept that even though we share a lot of the same mess, and we do have an uncanny connection, it's not as all-encompassing as we thought it was. 

2. Which brings me to a broader realization: I am using everyone. They say that your personality is comprised of pieces of your 5 closest friends or bla bla bla some shit like that. Putting it brutally, I'm pretty unstable. Putting it more neutrally, I'm pretty sensitive to external stimuli and influence. So I guess I purposefully surround myself with people who will anchor my sense of identity. Which doesn't sound so bad (in fact, it sounds pretty commonplace), but I think my personal relationship with this reliance has been more unhealthy than I would like. I genuinely love and admire my friends,  and we make each other better people, but sometimes I feel like I fall to pieces when I'm removed from them. And that's not exactly a healthy level of dependence.

3. Following from that, I notice that I'm attracted to 2 kinds of people: those whom I aspire towards because they appear to be better than me, and those who seem to understand me because they're as fucky and messy as I am. 

4. Haha time for me to talk about Yida. Sometimes I still think about him, and it still makes me feel angry and bewildered and exasperated and indignant. He's the only person who elicits this reaction from me after so much time has passed. Because he's fucking insane. Anyway, the thing I want to remember is that you should never rely on others to fix you, and actually you should stay the hell away from anybody who takes it upon themselves to fix you according to their own moral/value framework. I am my own responsibility. Also, who the fuck is self righteous enough to call another person their "life's greatest work"???????? THATS A PERSON, NOT A PROJECT. I AM NOT A PROJECT AND I AM NOT SOMETHING TO BE 'HANDED OVER', EITHER. Tbh I can't believe I dated him despite knowing that he has an Egyptian patron god, and his brother talks to rocks.

5. Also, when you seek out people who are messy in the hopes that they understand you, that doesn't really solve anything. You're just adding your mess to someone else's. Which makes more mess. Yano? The thing you should actually do is: *drumroll* work on cleaning your own mess, which works in everyone's favor. Then maybe start to form healthier relationships that aren't co-dependent.

6. Stop moping. I don't think I'm actually suuuuper fucked up, I just kick myself a lot harder for it because I'm over-cognizant of my flaws. I notice everything and analyze everything, but that's not productive because it just leads into blackhole spirals. The point of being self-aware is not it's own sake, but to work on being less shitty. So, note to self: If you've identified you're shitty, just get a move on and start being less shitty, because being self-indulgent about your shittiness over and over is counter-productive.

7. I read through some of the conversations with my exes, particularly the way it ended with J and Yida. They had their flaws, but I was appallingly selfish. And those relationships could have ended with less pain and more dignity if I had thought to take my head out of my own ass. Well actually I did try pretty hard but it was not enough and I should be able to do better. I don't think I should be in a relationship until I'm at a point where I can have one that isn't self-serving. Because that just leads to toxicity.

8. I'm pretty turbulent for someone who has led a relatively comfortable and privileged life. Sometimes I feel like I have no right because my problems are so stupid compared to Real Problems. Idrk what to do about that. But also my parents both have a lot of crazy people with fucky complexes on their respective sides of the family. Can I blame genetics? Probably a cop-out. I think maybe I just have a lot of anxiety and it makes my small normal issues a lot bigger and messier than they otherwise would be. Like, it amplifies shit. In the same way that my period amplifies my emotional states.

9. Speaking of my period, being on my period is like being drunk, kinda. It doesn't invent any new problems, but it does force me to take a look at all the existing problems that I've been repressing. Because all that shit gets dragged into the daylight and I feel everything more acutely.

10. Speaking of feeling, emotions are just emotions and I think I set way too much stock by them. I haven't really learned to rise above it yet, and I do a lot of stupid shit based on how I feel. As though feelings justify or legitimize anything. They're just feelings. Time to get over it.

11. I kind of need a lot of sex, and maybe I've been using relationships as means to an end. Not that my feelings weren't genuine. But the fact is that I need that emotional connection in order to have fulfilling sex. And the fact is that I KNOW that fact. Am I just purposefully bonding with people so that I can have decent sex? Maybe. I don't even need to expound on why that's destructive.

12. Going back to point (6), I need to just chill the fuck out. There's no point freaking out about deadlines and work. You either do, or don't do. If you're not going to do the work then what's the point of being anxious? Just suck up your own procrastination. And if it makes you feel so bad then just DO the work instead of thinking about it. Something Olivia said: freaking out is not productive.

13. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a lot of things. I'm only just realizing now. I mean, I kinda knew, but I never realized just how much pressure it was. People tell me all sorts of things: that I'm intelligent, or funny, or creative, or hardworking, or cool, or talented, or competent. And I keep feeling major imposter syndrome. And I guess I'm so extra because I've always put myself under a lot of pressure to be extraordinary. I'm now at a point where I can recognize my own mediocrity where applicable, but it actually makes everything worse because my fear of mediocrity is so crippling. I'm trying to work towards accepting that it's ok to just be mediocre sometimes. That I don't have to excel at everything, and especially not for its own sake. NUS is competitive and incredibly stress-inducing. Being on exchange has kind of given me the room to just breathe, and practice being okay with handing up work that isn't 100%. Because sometimes there are more important things to prioritize. Like spending time having experiences. Or just spending time caring for yourself.

14. Asians are so good at things. Any white person who thinks they're the superior race has clearly never taken a good look at Asia. I mean seriously. Actually I'm too tired to get into the details of that right now. But I grew up with a colonialized psyche and I always took my being westernized as a mark of superiority. I hated SG and I hated being Asian and I hated the Chinese language. But I've come to appreciate how miraculous SG and its achievements are. And also the beauty of the Chinese language even though I can't speak it very well. And how resourceful and resilient people from China are (even though I'm still a bit racist on that front. I'm working on it). The western world is really not that great. I still love Europe for all the same things I've loved it for, but I've also come to realize that there are some things that we just do better.

15. White men are the worst.

16. I especially hate being yelled 'nihao' at on the streets, because I'm being shamed for an identity that, guess what, I don't even identify with. The chinese peeps here know I'm not from China, and they don't accept me as one of theirs (for good reason, I don't even speak chinese). And then from the other side, of course I get classified with the Chinese peeps just because I'm some sort of Asian. And why do white men just assume my race? Sometimes it's nihao, sometimes it's konichiwa, as though there's only 2 countries in Asia. BITCH stop assuming my race I could be from the Philippines for all you know (which is apparently nothing).

17. Idk why it is that I can have perfectly healthy friendships with, for example, Flea. We're practically married at this point, and it's a process of learning each other's rough spots and accommodating each other's idiosyncrasies. I keep thinking, somehow this is okay and I genuinely love her. And I'm actually living with her. But if this was my SO, I'd probably be having a lot of mini-crises over the whole process. Why am I so paranoid and anxious when it comes to romantic relationships, and why do I hold those to different standards than my platonic friendships? You don't look for red flags with platonic friends, even those that you're planning to live with. You just learn to love them the way they are. I wish I could have a relationship that started out as a genuine friendship. I think that's probably the way it's ideally supposed to be. But sexual tension always ruins everything from the outset.

This list is a lot longer than I thought it would be.

I guess that's all for now.

Permanent state of apology

I feel constantly apologetic for just existing. Every time I open my mouth I regret my stupidity. Every time my hearing fails me I feel frustrated for coming across and slow and dumb.

My entire life has consisted of compensating for my own self, which has resulted in a lot of internal contradictions because I've been so many people.

I don't know how to consolidate or stabilize. I really don't. And I hate it.

And I hate it that everytime I make progress with being ok with myself, by myself, it's like a slow climb up a rock face; and as soon as somebody comes along and I feel safe for a second, I just fucking let go and fall all the way back to the bottom. And all the anxiety comes rushing back.

Why couldn't I have just enjoyed the time we had together? Why did I have to make everything so messy and come out of it with a million regrets even though I had a good time? What the fuck is wrong with me?

2018

Think I need to be alone for a long while.

I can't remember a single period of my life that hasn't revolved around some member of the male species.

I've dated people who were my opposite and tried to fix me.
I've dated people who understood me deeply because they were fucked up themselves.
It's exhausting and I don't think a relationship should be an emotional crutch for dealing with your own mess.

I'm attracted to vulnerable, complicated people because being understood makes me feel safe. But if I can't deal with my own shit how the fuck do I deal with someone else's?

I think I need to just
Take some time off and be properly alone
Learn how to be by myself
And maybe then I'll be less fucky
And more able to seek healthy relationships

 I don't think I should be allowed near anybody right now. I thought I was getting better at being a person but underneath it all I still hate myself and it's stronger than any other notion I have.






I'm glad I got the chance to brush up on you but if we collided any harder we'd just destroy ourselves.

I like it that nobody comes here

I have a folder in my Booksmarks Bar, full of my friends' blogs. Most of them have been untouched since 2013 or something. I'm the only who keeps writing. Either that or they've moved onto different URLs unknown to me. But blogging isn't as much of a thing now as it used to be. Now you can update your every thought and activity in realtime, thanks to social media. To be fair, blogs were always the sort of place you'd write down all the stuff you didn't want most people to see. You mostly wrote for yourself, just to get it all out. And I think that's what Twitter used to be for me, except now I think its distasteful. So that's why I'm still here.

It's funny
When I read back
At all our posts
We were a lot more eloquent then.

I feel very sad when I think about how my writing has deteriorated.
I feel sad that I don't read as much anymore.
I feel frustrated that the books on my desk are too heavy for me to bring around.

Most of all I feel panic.
Panic and Imposter Syndrome.

People tell me things about myself all the time. Sometimes I feel like the only reason I know things about myself is because people tell me. They tell me that I'm cool, they tell me that I'm attractive, that I'm competent and know what I'm doing, that I'll always know what I'm doing, that everything I do will turn out fantastic in the end.

I look at my portfolio and hate it. I explain it to my interviewer and I hate myself. I look at a design project and feel absolutely nothing but terror. Terror of disappointing myself. Terror of being trite. Terror of being exposed as being entirely vacuous.

He shows me in the most obvious way possible that he's interested in me, he does so for weeks and weeks. And I can never accept or believe it, because I'm such a fucking mess. And every single day I flinch and wait for the moment when he changes his mind, the moment when the silence is intentional. I wait in terror for the rejection. I hold back from texting for fear of appearing clingy. I delete messages for fear I've said too much.

One step forward, two steps back.

Sometimes I think I've made leaps and bounds with things like body image, general self esteem, ability to talk to other people without dying of anxiety.

Other times
well
....this.

I miss you. I miss us. He isn't you and that's taking time for me to swallow. I can't look at the Lurpak in my fridge without thinking of you. the first and last thing you ever made me was an omelette. I salt the butter with my tears. I can't look at otters without thinking of the morning, that morning before it all happened, when you said they were water maos and you were so right, they were such water maos. And you were a mao you were the bestest mao and you could never be mine because cats change their minds 12 times a day and I kept waiting and waiting for the hammer to fall.

I don't know what I'm doing I tell myself he's a friend but obviously he's something else and I am not ready for him to fill your shoes because nobody ever can. That's a fact and I need new shoes.

I need new shoes.

Yours are too big.

Why do I destroy everything I touch

I've been making a lot of reckless decisions lately but they're actually the same sort of decisions I've always made, except this time with more cognizance, which actually makes it worse because it increases my culpability when people get hurt.

Idk man

I'm supposed to be discovering who I am when I'm alone

And I'm being faced with a lot of unpleasant revelations that I guess I've always known, but tried not to think about?

As a child I was always destructive when made to sit still.


Is there anything in my power that I have not abused? Privilege? Money? Trust? Sex? I can't even be trusted with a sense of self-esteem. Better that I should be kept paranoid and anxious and weak, lest I go about wrecking everything without remorse. 

When I was 10

Boys looked at me with satisfaction and pity when they found out
And then my friends would date them

I can feel it in my skin

With most people, I know how it's gonna go down - The violence is mine; even as I cradled their faces I knew I would hurt them, and I wondered how it would happen. Not because I ever wanted to, but because that's just the way things are.

But not you. I've always known that with you, I would be the one hurt. More than anything I could ever commit against you. I'm always waiting for the ball to drop. Small at first, like rain. Waiting.

Not because you ever wanted to, but because that's just the way it's always been.